Dating Blooper: Home On A Saturday Night

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LONELY SATURDAY NIGHT, NEW YORK CITY–– Let me set the scene: it’s 30 till ten, I’m eating fried delivery, and listening to Rihanna croon confused songs about whether abusive love is still love. In the annoying world of internet lingo, FML. All week, I’d been looking up interesting gallery exhibits I’d love to see with The Revolutionary (the FWB?), despite static communication on his end since Tuesday night... a whopping four days ago. I hate being pathetic! Granted, he has a show in middle-of-nowhere-upstate-New York this weekend and is genuinely busy. I’m making excuses, he’s made time in the past. He asked me out last weekend for this weekend, I have a right to be mystified.

"Home on a Saturday night with all my doors looked up tight, I won't be thinking about you, Baby." -Brand New

... Or I'll try not to. It's common to keep a strict line up or men in rotation, to avoid putting people on pedestals in the dating game. I did get too comfortable with The Revolutionary, as I always do, and spit out my other options like lukewarm food. That’s precisely why I’m binging in bed tonight, alone. We had magic, no doubt, but I’m still left wondering if I’ve been faded out or not. The Fadeout is both the most popular and painful way of letting someone go in the casual dating world. After a few vague excuses and missed texts or calls, The Fader is never to be heard from or seen again. Generally the fadeout is abrupt, leaving no closure in its wake. Harsh from every angle. 

This method leaves too many unanswered questions for the dumpee. Starting and ending with oneself: “What did I do wrong?” Thankfully, after some very difficult fadeouts I’ve learned that it’s often nobody’s fault. Usually, it's incompatibility or some arbitrary quirks. The explanation will hardly matter in the long run. I know it’s difficult now, but there is hope! Besides, do you really want to be with someone too immature to talk about feelings or lack there of? No one is owed an explanation in dating, but it’s courteous and kind to not leave someone (and their “feelings”) hanging in the "will he or won't he" purgatory. What makes this time so hurtful is that we had a spectacular rapport atypical to strangers. "Chemistry" like that is hard to find, sad to lose.  

“I should've named this blog, “How to Lose at Dating.” Cause I win at that game every time!”

The second question on your path to self-doubt (read: self-oblivion) is, “Am I going about dating all wrong?” First, I pick apart my sexual timeline: Am I “too fast?” Make him wait is Rule #1 after all. Maybe, the rules (you know, THE RULES) of propriety are set in stone for a reason. Dating only seems to work out under the context of patriarchy. So typical.  I should just rename this blog, “How to Lose at Dating.” Cause I win at that game every time!  Dating prohibits autonomy; there's an umbrella of expectation and created standards that doom us from "Hello."I would like whoever I’m dating to be an individual, a free-thinking person whom makes decisions without consulting AskMen. But alas, I have no control. "Give me strength to deal with the things that I cannot change," I knew Bible school would come in handy some day!

HOW TO LOSE AT DATING:

1. Have first-date sex or sex ASAP. You’ll be fooled into thinking you have a “real connection” and who wants to tediously qualify the buyer?
2. Drink up! Get so intoxicated that your decision making is more impaired on date 2 than date 1. Letting him clean up your vomit is a nice touch, POINTS even!
3. Don’t listen. He’ll cop to a bunch of potential bad-boyfriend flaws, which will hurt you in the long-run. But don’t worry, he’s just letting you know because you’re different then the rest.
4. Be insecure. Especially in bed, so much so that you have to ask everything you’re thinking aloud, in media res coitus. He’ll think this is sexy.
5. Mistake TMI for intimacy. Describe in detail what it’s like to have had an eating disorder as he watches you methodically cut your meal into little pieces.
6. Be too honest, too soon. Profess your greatest flaws, like, having no self-esteem whatsoever or “no sense of self” over pancakes! Yep, this one will keep him coming back for more.

REPEAT! Failure is all in the repetition. Do this over and over again with every new budding romance. 

And to think I thought The Revolutionary and I clicked! I was totally going to reveal to him all about my Bipolar and personality disorder traits on our third date... Dodged a bullet there! I’m not sorry for how things have worked themselves out. I may just whip out one of many back-up numbers and grab a drink later. On second thought, maybe drinks aren’t the greatest idea.